There are times in life where everything seems to relate in one way or another to form some common theme, and that theme for me of late is learning to let go.  We all have things we need to learn to let go of, but seem to have trouble figuring out how.  Sometimes we question ourselves whether letting go really is the right thing to do or not, and sometimes we just keep on refusing to let go because we feel it will cause us too much pain.  I've been dealing with this for a while now, but it seems to be applicable to several aspects of my life all at once in the last couple of weeks.

Our house is full to the brim with clutter.  Random collectibles scattered about, cabinets full of DVDs we never watch, video games I most likely will never play again, old baseball cards, comic books, way too many clothes that for some inexplicable reason hold a "sentimental value", duplicate kitchen gadgets, and so on.  It seems difficult to part with this stuff, yet it gets in the way and actually makes me miserable.  The clutter, what to do with it, and what I could do with the space if the clutter wasn't there, are constantly eating away at me.  It's an odd thing to realize that having too much stuff is one of the things that stresses you out and effects you negatively.  

Part of the delay in parting with it is that it is difficult to let go.  "What if I get rid of that DVD and I want to watch it again?"  "That t-shirt was something that I could only get when I saw that band live."  "This comic book is rare, if I part with it I no longer have that rare piece in my collection."  Those are just a few thoughts that have gone through my head a number of times when trying to eliminate clutter from my life.  It's also difficult to part with so many things when there is a bit of money that has already been sunk into the items.  I could make a bit of money selling some of these things on eBay, but that is such a pain in the ass.  So the items continue to sit there, waiting to be sold.  

But I have now taken steps in the right direction and set aside piles of things to be sold.  I've started taking the pictures for eBay and shortly a large group of items will be listed on eBay.  I've also been setting aside DVDs and video games that I can part with, and removing clothes from my closet that can go to Goodwill.  I've taken the first small step in purging items from my life and learning to let go, and I hope it just gets easier from here.

I've also had to let go of my car recently.  I loved my 2008 Mustang Bullitt, it was great looking and fun to drive (thanks to being powerful and fast), but it wasn't the best car for everyday driving.  It did not handle well in the snow at all, even if there was less than an inch of snow on the ground I had little to no control.  The ride was very tight (as you would expect from a sporty type of car) and powerful, and I felt constantly on edge while driving it, so any little thing in traffic would just agitate me.  I have now finally let go of the car, which was difficult, and let in a 2008 Cadillac STS (teaser shot below).  

The car is luxurious and wonderful, and it really feels very laid back to drive.  It has all wheel drive which will help in the wintertime and has plenty of accoutrements that were absent in the Mustang.  At first there was a pang of bittersweet sadness, but the next day solidified my decision, I actually love driving this thing.  It really has done a wonder on my mental wellbeing while on the road, and I thank Cadillac for that.  Plus this car is more than just for me, but for my family.  It will be safer for my child, and move convenient when getting into the back set to get the kid in and out of the car seat (I can't want until we find out the sex of the baby, it feels so odd to refer to it as "the kid" or "it").

I'm also learning to let go of all of the negative aspects of my life.  I've forced myself to make a few cuts which were difficult, but will yield more positive returns in the long run.  It's amazing when you realize what constant negativity and parasitic activity does to your state of mind and wellbeing.  I now feel a lot more positive about things, and don't feel sluggish like something is weighing me down.  I'm creating a new me and a new life, and so far I am loving it.

Those who follow me on Twitter or have me on their Facebook friends list may have noticed a new image I was showing off that looked like an ultrasound and said "Baby Sheehan" on it.  I have finally took a step in the direction that I never thought I would, and we (Loly and I) decided to try to have a baby.  That ultrasound image is from our 8 week appointment at the OBGYN, and also one of my first baby pictures (we also took a picture of the test that said "pregnant").  It's here again below for any who might have missed it.

It really was a surreal feeling to see that ultrasound in progress, and at one point we swore the baby was waving it's little arm at us.  It hasn't totally sunk in yet that I will be a father this year, but it's a pretty cool thought.  It's odd that once I hit 30 something just clicked inside me and I figured that I was ready to give it a try, and I guess it helped that I had spent some time over the last year with Loly's nieces and nephews and it made me realize that I wasn't as bad with kids as I had once thought.  A few people have said that they think I will be a good father, and I am not really sure where that is coming from but I certainly hope that is true.  I'm currently feeling a mix of excitement, anticipation, and nervousness, but I suppose everyone who is getting ready to be a parent for the first time goes through that same feelings.

We should be at 15 weeks come this Thursday, and we still have a long 5-6 weeks until our appointment where we will have our second ultrasound and find out the sex of the baby.  People say that time flies, but time has been dragging on.  Our due date is October 21st and it feels like that is so far away, which is good in a way because we have much to do at home to prepare for our new addition to the family.  Ok enough about babies, anyone who reads this blog will have enough of that to read about over the next few years I am sure.

I've been diving head first into vintage game collecting/playing lately.  I totally blame PAX East and partially blame the Retronauts Podcast (episode #90 specifically, go listen to it!) and I also have to lay some blame on my buddy Seth for hooking me up with that Sega CD system.  As luck would have it he also had a spare Sega Saturn and he brought me that last time I saw him so now I am trying to get some games for both of those systems (I'm at a grand total of 2 Sega CD games and 1 Sega Saturn game), but I would like to get my hands on an RCA hookup for the Sega CD because it currently hooks up RF and it doesn't look as good as it could.

So if that wasn't enough I decided to score myself a Turbo Express from eBay.  For those who do not know what that is, it's a portable (think Game Boy) Turbografx-16 system, and it plays the same card based games that the TG-16 plays.  The problem with it is that there is no sound currently, and I know how to fix it (open it up, remove old capacitors, replace with new ones) but I just have not had the time to get into that project yet.  It still plays decent, I forgot how those older game screens looked on portables, not great.  But it is my only Turbografx system so I will enjoy the hell out of it once I have it fixed up.  I also scored my first original Game Boy from a Goodwill for 6 bucks, and it even had a Super Mario Land 2 cart in it still.  Not too shabby.

Also on the gaming note, Gamepads Unplugged is still going well.  I did my first full show edit for episode 9 and I think it turned out ok.  We've been getting some positive feedback which makes me happy, and hopefully we can keep pressing forward and keep gaining an audience.  And to throw it back to PAX East, I am trying desperately to make it out to PAX Prime in Seattle in September.  Anyone out there planning on going let me know, not sure if I can convince everyone (or anyone) to make it out there for that one.

I've got much more, but I will cut myself off there.  Maybe I will do another update shortly sorry for the length!

PAX East has come and gone and I now sit here with a little bit of emptiness in my heart.  This always happens post convention, and it would appear that PAX East is no exception to the post-convention blues that I always get.  The good thing about PAX East is that instead of waiting a full year for the next convention, PAX Prime is in September.  The unfortunate thing is that the convention in Seattle is a little harder to swing than the convention in Boston, and then it is also difficult to get other people on board with it but I am going to try.

What appealed to me about PAX East more so than other conventions I have been to was the general culture and the constant flurry of activity that I had never been exposed to before.  There were events at PAX East until 1:30 am each day, and there were plenty of other panels, and freeplay rooms open during that time as well.  There was always something to go do, or see, or play.  But that usually isn't the case for cons like BotCon or Wizard World, you usually have to make your own fun after 5pm.  PAX East really helped pull me into the gaming community deeper, and put me a little more in touch with a culture that I had not really taken too seriously before.

PAX is more than a convention, and it's attendants seem to look at it in such a reverence that can only be compared to as a religious experience.  Because, as Keynote speaker Wil Wheaton had put it, when you are at PAX you are "home".  PAX has a little bit of something for the gamer or geek that is in all of us, and taking it all in at once is truly something to be experienced by anyone who considers themselves either of them.  So let's all do our best to go to PAX Prime in Seattle this year and experience this together!  You can also he

My one negative thing to say about PAX is that there were not many vendors there, so my ability to purchase new shinny things to take home and play with.  To rectify things I have spent the last two weeks purchasing many retro gaming items that I WOULD have had bought at PAX if they had been available.  As soon as we got back to St. Louis, Sneth started me off by hooking me up with an extra Sega CD system that he had laying around.  I have now gone out a picked up a couple new Sega CD games, some boxed Virtual Boy games (as well as a loose Nester's Funky Bowling), several NES carts, Shining Force for the Game Gear, and a top loading NES in the original box with all of the original paperwork.  My latest addition is a Sega Saturn system (also thanks to Sneth) and my next goal is to acquire a Turbo Express system.  But I am repeating myself from our podcast, you can hear all of that shopping stuff on episode 7 of Gamepads Unplugged and the PAX stuff on episode 6 of Gamepads Unplugged.

Something else significant happened upon my return from PAX East, and it consisted of more Penny Arcade related goodness.  Mike and Jerry from Penny Arcade arrived in St. Louis on March 31st for a book signing and I was able to be in attendance.  I bought their 11.5 year anniversary book on site to have signed, and thoroughly enjoyed their Q&A session.  I now realize I could watch these guys do Q&A's or speak publicly quite often.  While getting my book signed I told them how much I appreciated PAX East and all they do and they thanked me in return, it was a big love fest until we got our picture taken and they had to put on their serious faces.  

It was a great geek event that took place in my hometown and it makes me happy not only to see something like that in St. Louis but also to see so many fans here as well.  What topped it all off was being there with great friends who shared the same geeky passions that I do.  It's just too bad that events like this here are few and far between.

I'll give you that "shipping up to" has a ring of permanence to it, but I always manage to throw out the Dropkick Murphy's song title whenever I make the trip out to Boston.  Usually I am flying into Logan International so I can visit relatives who live about an hour away, and the last time was a most somber and heart wrenching occasion.  This time however I come back to "Beantown" for much geekier pursuits, and I shall do so with thousands of others who share the same love as I do.  The love for the game (video games that is).

That's right the first ever PAX East convention kicks off on Friday at the Hynes Convention Center in Boston, just minutes away from the Famous Fenway Park, and just over the Charles river from MIT.  I'm actually driving up to Chicago with my buddy Seth (not the Seth from Gamepads Unplugged and TFW2005, but a long time friend of mine) and we are flying to Boston from there.  So I am looking at a fantastic 5 hour car trip plus a 3 hour plane ride until we reach our destination, but it saved us money on the plane tickets.

This will be my first PAX, and I have a feeling if this goes really well that I might do something stupid like try going to PAX Prime in Seattle this year as well.  I already have plans to be in attendance at BotCon in Orlando, GenCon in Indianapolis, and there is the potential for me to be at either San Diego Comic Con or TFCon in Toronto (that one all depends on what the fates have decided for me) so the convention schedule is pretty loaded this year and I am scared to think that I may want to add another one to the list.  I am thrilled at the thought of going to my first video game convention, and look forward to getting my geek on and taking in some sage advice from keynote speaker Wil Wheaton.

I am trying to be there not only as a fanboy but also in a more professional(ish) capacity and plan on jotting down lots of notes to be used later for posts on Gamepads Unplugged and possibly Ish Talkers.  Seth and I may do some recordings each night for podcast supplemental material, and I will try to do some filming while there as well.  One of my new obsessions is video.

Speaking of video, I have filmed my first video review and posted it to YouTube.  Many people in the fandom like to film vlogs (video blogs) and video reviews of toys or other miscellany and share it on YouTube, and I thought I would try to put my voice (and possibly face) out there for everyone to ridicule.  I have this fancy HD Camcorder so I figured why not?  Turns out that video editing from this camera isn't all that Mac friendly as Apple would have you believe that process is, but I've got the first one filmed, edited, and up at YouTube.  The first review is for the IDW Transformers Comic Book App for the iPhone so I will try to embed it below, but if you have issues you can view it on YouTube by visiting my page here.

I hope to learn a bit and grow into video editing a bit more.  This was my first take at it, and while I found the process a little bit frustrating and overwhelming at first, it was rewarding to see the finished product.  I am sure after spending more time with it, and making mistakes, that I will learn a lot and hopefully a year from now I can be putting out some stuff that surpasses this first attempt that you see here.  I might try my first vlog tonight while I pack for PAX, my buddy GogDog thinks I should, and my co-host Seth also thinks I should so we will see what happens.  Though with the time to edit I know that won't even be up on YouTube until I return home from PAX.

We are also recording episode 5 tonight of the Gamepads Unplugged Podcast, and you can also hear me making an appearance as a guest panelist on the WTF @ TFW Podcast - Episode 87, which should be up shortly.  You can check out WTF @ TFW on iTunes by clicking here.  That's all for this installment, expect a crap ton more stuff you don't care about (like my PAX East wrap-up and aftermath) when I return!

It's been a while since I have poured out some thoughts through the keyboard and onto the screen, and the reasons for the delay cannot all be revealed just yet.  One big thing going on right now is preparation for next year's wedding, but it's not like we spend every day looking at flowers and decorations and stuff, but more in planning out some logistics and securing funds.  My fiance and I plan on getting married at Disney World in January of 2011, which even for a small private cheap wedding is still expensive.  Not only is the wedding expensive but it will also be extremely restrictive, meaning our guest list is capped at 20.  What is even more sad about the guest list capped at 20 is the fact that it includes the bride and groom, which actually only allows us each to invite 9 other people.

So there is stress on that point (above), and then how we are going to pay for it.  We bought a house together in 2008, so we have a garage and shed full of boxes that have not been opened in years (some of that came from her previous storage unit).  Right now we are in the process of going through tons of boxes, looking for things to sell at an upcoming community garage sale.  Meanwhile I am going through boxes of my toys and collectibles looking for things to part with on eBay.  We hope that through this mass purging of clutter and personal items that we can come up with money for this "Destination Wedding" that we want to have (and I think it is definitely an achievable objective).

While that is going on I have decided to extend my focuses online and take on another project with my friend and fellow TFW2005 staff member, Seth.  We have started our own video game podcast that we are loosely supporting with a blog by the same name.  I say loosely because neither of us are web designers, and we are both doing this as a side hobby so we don't have the time to keep the blog constantly up to date like the Kotaku's of the internet.  Additionally our main drive of the project is so we can get together and talk about games.  We've recorded (and released) 2 episodes of the Gamepads Unplugged Podcast so far, and plan to do a regular weekly release which you can subscribe to through iTunes by clicking here.  You can also visit the main page with links to other versions of the podcast (and the main blog) by clicking here.

And with all that going on I have decided that I will abandon the Deefuzz.com page for good.  There is no sense in me continuing on with two separate blogs and having one be more "geek focused".  I have come to terms with who I am, (a "geek") and there is no reason for me to hide that off on a secondary blog.  So from this point on all of my personal blogging will be done here, and I will let my inner geek shine through.

I'll check back in soon and will hopefully reveal the rest of the information that I have left out here.  Waiting on a few things to line up first before I make an announcement.  Thanks for checking in!